it's a gift to be able to hold a beer and a cigarette in one hand and partake of both without hurting yourself. at least not in the immediate sense. and to be able to feel music instead of just hearing it. these are things i know. i may not know a better half, or any half really...i can keep telling myself i'm ok with that. but i'm not. and enough years have passed for hopelessness to have rightly set in. maybe i can be ok with THAT. maybe that guy was right, maybe losing all hope really is freedom.
sometimes i miss being 16 and drinking 40's of st. ides behind the dumpster at the Rat and sleeping in a car outside some guys house. i miss simpler times when getting a tooth knocked out at a blood for blood show was something to write home about. when all i had to look forward to was another friday night with another band whos singer sounded like cookie monster..when everything didn't mean so much because all we had was time, and nothing to live for. less climbing inside my head, getting lost, distractions are harder to come by now, and needed more than ever. so on a monday, i guess i'll just get fuzzy..