whiskey and champagne

sleep deprived depravity
i can't pretend to be
something more
or less than this
i can't stand to read your worthless
empty
blood spewing anymore
when i know i am not the reason
for your anything

just because the one who really cares isn't the one you wish it was, doesn't mean you should take them for granted.

some things you should know

i have a reputation as a bit of a badass. most people think of me this way because they've seen me get in a fight, or heard a story about me getting in a fight. or the time i stabbed that guy..truth is i should've been arrested many times, but i'm lucky. i don't think the fact that i can fight makes me a badass. if i am, it's because of where i come from. i am what many of my acquaintances would call white trash. they would use that term with disdain, i will use it with pride.
this is not a sob story.
i grew up with nothing. if there had been trailer parks where i lived, that's where we would've resided. instead it was shitty apartments. my father left when i was 2. my mother tried, to an extent. i don't know how much credit i feel like giving her right now.
i will credit her with forcing me to learn to fight. she took out her frustrations with her life on me. when you're a little kid, this can be confusing. you think your mother is supposed to be a source of comfort and strength. when you hit 13, after a few years of getting the shit beaten out of you for a few years, for such offenses as playing music too loud, or asking for mom and her friends to please shut their drunk asses up since it's 3 am and you have to be up for school in a few hours, you realize this is not always the case. you realize that even mommy cannot be trusted. so you don't tell her about the babysitter who made you do some rather unsavory things, or the guy who drugged you at a party and raped you in his car. or the fact that you feel like dying every minute of every day because the kids at school call you ugly and weird. you hold these things, and in time, you make them yours. you realize the only one you can trust is you.
you become a badass.
you realize you can fight.
the next guy who tries to rape you gets a box cutter buried in his chest. the people who call you ugly and weird are met only with a knowing look. it means nothing now. you realize there is a freedom that comes with scorning the standards society has put in place.
i have no respect for people who haven't struggled a little. and i feel like i know too many of them.

DO YOU

do you mean any of it?

all those beautiful fucking words?

tied up and twisting and choking me?

i am drowning in your eyes and lies and bottles of something to make me think this is life but it isn't and i am running so far so fast and fucking mirrors trying to break them but i can still see me bloody and falling and not wanting anyone to catch me and that train will take me somewhere far from where i need to be and i don't mind at all. it will be so dark

when i get to you 

fuck me

for thinking i could ever get to you

not from here

my rotting 

warm wet insides will be solace for you and maybe even me for a minute or two

please tear them out and wear them like something pretty and don't bother talking words are letters dyslexic and in languages i never understood

where was i

ever

i gave something life and what life will it be?

i've been banished from anyplace that could ever matter

i've been raped by everyone who ever looked at me and saw something other than what i wanted them to

right now i am begging you to do it again

if i had a gun that was not of my own making i would eat it but instead...

this.